feelings
above, i’ve included images, a video, and an instrumental soundtrack that have all moved me. now, i want you to absorb each medium above carefully; fully take them in and welcome every emotion, whatever they may be.
how did they make you feel? what sensations were stirred up within? did you mirror the pain in the eyes of the first image? did stargazing generate a sense of awe? did the sunsets soothe you? did the woman’s sigh and violin melody of the song make you feel melancholic?
i chose these because all of the above was what i felt when viewing or listening to them. i have always held a solemn reverence for the arts and how central they are to the human experience. in many ways, they are manifestations of our very emotions and in other ways, they transcend them entirely.
it’s easy to observe how art, nature, and music make us feel, but lately i’ve been curious how people fit into our lives and, more specifically, how they impact us. in more personal terms, i think a lot about what i mean to people and what people mean to me.
every single person you meet is a living, breathing gallery with years of unique experiences. you know the feeling when you’re in a sketchy part of town and you just want to get the hell out of there, yet other times you might visit a place for the first time ever yet you feel so at home? i believe that people have that same effect.
the inspiration for writing this came from a recent conversation i had with a friend of mine. without getting into too much detail out of respect for him, we had a long talk about a woman from his past and how he knew she was perfect for him just from the way they clicked instantly. they’re not together anymore, but he’s chasing that feeling of knowing who “the one” is because he’s felt it before and he knows he will feel it again. the conversation turned into him speaking about how important chemistry is to him when meeting new people (not just romantic partners) and how he knows pretty much instantly if he’ll vibe with someone or not.
he told me that he felt that platonic chemistry with me, and honestly, it caught me off guard. don’t get me wrong; i was pleasantly surprised to hear this, but coming from a pretty stoic and reserved guy, it was an unexpected compliment. i suppose that i shouldn't be too surprised to hear this, since i’ve heard similar sentiments before from others. i’ve often been told that i have a calming energy and that i’m easy to talk to and be around. i don’t say this to be braggadocios, but it is admittedly a quality that i am proud of. it’s typically not easy for me to receive praise but i’m learning to allow myself to deserve it (but i digress.)
his words to me, in turn, got me thinking about the people in my past and how they’ve made me feel. like my friend, i have a pretty good radar about people’s energies and how they resonate with mine. there have been times where i’ve learned that there is more to them than meets the eye, of course, but i typically know pretty quickly whether we can be good friends, more than friends, acquaintances, or nothing at all.
i am not without error, either; despite what my gut tells me, there are times (more often than i would care to admit) where i suppress my intuition and choose to live in delusion despite all the evidence to the contrary. for instance, this tends to happen a lot in (potentially) romantic settings; if a woman is showing me who she is (for better or for worse) and i know clear as day that we just aren’t a good match, i will sometimes try to “lower my standards” (read: force compatibility) or otherwise try to justify a thousand ways or reasons i could make it work.
in my defense, this doesn’t happen often, but once in a while a woman will come around and i fall quick and hard. i am a lover boy and i crush embarrassingly easily, provided that i feel that initial chemistry at all. i’ve always said that i have walls that make it difficult for people to get in, not because i dislike people, but just because i am very introverted and protective of my valuable time and energy. if someone does get in, then they have a lot of power to influence my headspace (which i know isn’t healthy).
hearing my friend speak of his high standards and refusal to settle for anything less than that idyllic feeling of being absolutely in love and contrasting it to my occasional tendencies to putting myself lower than i deserve and overall sacrificing my own self-respect was really eye-opening. i am firm believer that people come into our lives at the right time and for the right reason. maybe i met him so that i could be shown a mirror of my potential, and maybe i came into his to show him that masculinity can entail a certain degree of vulnerability.
the romance angle is just one part of it, but friendships and even just memorable interactions play a big a role in our lives. something else that i’ve been told time and time again is that i have a tendency to overanalyze A LOT, but what can i say— i like to believe that most of our encounters can hold meaning if we want them to. life feels more full to me that way. some of my favorite memories from my time in barcelona was spending time with strangers that i will never see again.
while we’re on the topics of personally-held beliefs, another one of mine is that circumstances will continually repeat themselves until you learn the lesson they are trying to teach you. the more challenging something feels, the more something triggers some wounded part of you, the greater the potential for growth. sometimes it will seem like life is borderline taunting you by waving a piece of bread in front of your face when you’re starving and then pulling it away at the last instant, but this is where self-reliance is born. learning experiences shouldn’t be handed to us— we need to put in the work and ask ourselves why they matter and how we can become better individuals as a result.
i want to conclude this essay encouraging you to be more open, curious, receptive, and above all honest with yourself going forward. your intuition never lies; if someone is not adding to your life, listen to that, and if someone is adding to your life, definitely listen to that. have enough self-esteem to heed that inner voice. let emotion and logic co-exist instead of one always needing to reign over the other.
listen deeply. you hold more answers than you think.
with love,
alan
Where did you find the picture of the crying Madonna? The expressed pain is somehow so beautiful and I'd love to print it in a good quality to hang it home :)
The photo with the two persons watching the sunset also moved me... It is just "another picture" of two people watching the sun... But somehow It made me feel this universal feeling, as if I was there... A kind of timelessness... A shared moment spent together watching the setting sun, with its mind opening ability, full of life and power... A moment in connection with another soul, that could and can and will happen over and over again at any epoch, any place, any life phase... A moment unfolding simultaneously in the physical world and in the realm of universal consciousness... It made me feel as if all the moments ever of people watching a sunset in silent communion were linked, acting like a constant, like an anker in the chaos of life.
Might sound like a bit too much but that's really how it made me feel 😅
"i like to believe that most of our encounters can hold meaning if we want them to. life feels more full to me that way." Loved this line!! And I totally agree with you. I like that you encourage readers to be more curious and open. At the end of the day, experience is the most valuable asset we can have because it makes us who we are and forms our fundamental beliefs. Thanks for sharing, Alan!