I'm Taking a Break.
hopeless romance as a symptom of greater societal values
Do not be alarmed by the title; although I have been on a hiatus from publishing for almost a year, rest assured that I’m not going anywhere (this piece that you’re reading right now proves it). The title alludes to something more personal in my life— romantic relationships.
It’s been a recurring theme in my life that love has simply never worked out for me. I have a few theories as to why that is: I love intensely, and not everyone can nor wants to receive that; I am a solitary individual, so I typically spend time away from crowds and with my own company instead; and overall, the dating scene nowadays just feel so artificial and hopeless (more on that later). So my track record isn’t the best— in fact, it’s awful. I used to think it was me (and if I’m being honest, sometimes I still do), but no matter how hard I try, I simply can’t find any fault with loving too much. Why shouldn’t I ask how your day was? Why shouldn’t I happily greet you every morning? Why shouldn't I tell you I miss you? Why should any love be held back at all, when so much of it is lacking in this world?
And after experiencing yet another promising yet ultimately futile situationship, I’ve had it. I’m done seeking, at least for a while.
Not to sound pompous or self-aggrandizing, but I’ve come to realize that my energy just isn’t for everyone. Like I said earlier, it can be intense, more so for people who aren’t used to that. I bring a special type of presence and love to every potential relationship, and it’s hard for me to contain it— impossible, I’d even say. I don’t settle for temporary relationships or fun flings. This dating culture absolutely sucks, and if I’m honest, I’m above all the superficiality of it all. If there’s one way to describe how I live my life, it is with intention (which is what this newsletter is all about, after all). Time after time after time after time, I’ve expended this love just to be met with half-assed apathy or ambivalence at the thought of getting serious.
Dating nowadays has turned into a seemingly endless revolving door of potential suitors, with people so quick to dump someone and moving on to the next person for the most trivial of reasons. It’s like people are scared to invest time and put in effort now; in theory, there will always be someone “better”, so why put in the work when leaving and finding someone with the work already done is easier? Rinse and repeat, and it’s easy to see why it’s such a struggle to be good enough for anyone anymore.
While writing this, it occurred to me that dating today mirrors our societal values and preferences: cheap and quick dopamine, infinite entertainment, novelty, unlimited access, unrealistic standards, and so much more. Social media is the perfect example of said preferences. And just think, how many people use dating apps for just ego boosts, validation, and quick hookups? Platforms meant to cultivate connection instead perpetuate loneliness and inadequacy. Being exposed to so many people that we have direct access to diminishes any desire to truly get to know someone. And this aversion to commitment is just a symptom of a greater attitude in society.
I’m coming to the realization that this way of finding a partner isn’t for me, like at all. I don’t want to feel like I’m on a dating show with 100 other people. Like I’m constantly walking on a tightrope, vying for your attention lest you toss me aside and move on to the next person. Like I’m the only one putting in effort to keep our connection alive.
They say that eventually, the right person will come— the one that accepts your flaws, feels like home, wants to stay and grow with you, and reciprocates the unconditional love that you give them. A beautiful sentiment, to be sure, and one that I certainly hope is true. But I’m done believing in this too. It’s just another unfounded delusion that is said to keep us hopeful, but what if that hope never blossoms? Unrealized expectations are hard enough while in a relationship— I won't torment myself with false hope while I’m living single, either. If the right person comes along, great. If not, I already made peace with it.
This is a big topic, and one that I grapple with constantly. So for now, I’m making a vow to keep to myself and mind my business. I’m tired of the small talk and asking, “So… what’s your favorite color?” every few months.
Thanks for reading,
Alan