The Death of Intimacy

How hyperconnectivity breeds an epidemic of loneliness

South Barcelona, May 9, 2025

The other day, I was listening to a podcast where the host was speaking about the state of modern dating. If you’re currently in the pool, you know how woeful it is out here, especially when you throw dating apps into the mix. The very existence of virtual dating and having an endless amount of potential suitors at the palm of your hand is antithetical to the human experience; historically, one would court someone in their village, city, or state (more on this later). Romantic partnership was very much intertwined with geography and socioeconomic status, and these two factors dictated love, not so much the other way around.

Now, I do not want to come across as anti-modernist or shit on technological advancements, but I think that it’s undeniable that dating has changed, and probably for the worse.

Instead of promoting intentionality, swiping has been plagued by superficiality. Like I mentioned earlier, we now have seemingly infinite possible partners at our disposal, but that only leads to a reduction of choice. In essence, because there is always the chance that “the one” could be the next person, we’re perpetually swiping waiting for them to fall into our hands.

Thoughts like,

“No, too quirky.”

“No, that’s not a flattering angle of them.'“

“No, we don’t have any hobbies in common.”

are just some of the excuses that people tell themselves to justify why they would be incompatible with someone else. I mean seriously, whatever happened to getting to know someone? Crazy notion, I know. But I have to ask: it really such a good thing to know the “fundamentals” of someone immediately? Should their personalities be handed on a silver platter? I can see both sides of the argument— if you have certain non-negotiables, why bother with anyone who doesn't meet them? But does this advantage outweigh the rest of the negatives?

To me, this is yet another symptom of the “easyfication” of life. So many things have been made so convenient, and I believe it is important to ask up to what point this is acceptable. Dishwashers, washing machines, elevators— all great things. But now, art has been replaced by AI. And delegating love to an algorithm? Romance has become commodified, and that’s honestly concerning.

The Lottery of Love

It’s so easy to dismiss anyone for the slightest of reasons, and one is left wondering why they have no luck finding love. They refuse to entertain anyone, outright rejecting them based on a few select answers that the other person chose to share.

Think of it like gambling; suppose there was a jackpot whose winnings increase every day. Any day you want, you can pull out and claim all the earnings. But there’s a catch: the jackpot can be rescinded at any time and you’ll be left with zero. How many days do you go on holding? Do you cash out on the first day? Do you have a minimum sum to reach? Are you going for an amount that can retire you, or are your sights set on generational wealth?

In case my analogy didn't fully land, the point that I’m trying to convey is that maybe the person of your dreams (the jackpot) can be found amongst the sea of suitors in dating apps, but you have to be willing to be satisfied with them. I don’t mean “satisfied” in a “settle for this person” type of way, but just having realistic standards and a willingness to grow with someone else without them needing to check off every single one of your preferences.

In other words, the longer you hold out for an A-list, 0.1% supermodel who meets all of your preferences, the greater the chance that you lose out on someone whom you could have had an excellent relationship with, even if they weren’t as “attractive” (which is the biggest characteristic that dating apps prioritize).

Worldwide Exposure

Another odd characteristic of dating apps is that you have the option to see people who you would’ve otherwise never even had a chance to see. There could be someone drop dead stunning in your city, but they live across the country and are only in your area for a few days. Remember that our brains haven’t yet fully caught up to the rapid technological shifts of the past 60 years. In many ways, we are still hardwired to only look out for our immediate village of 150 people max.

Again, I have to ask, is it healthy to be exposed to such an insane amount of people who you know are “on the market”? Or does this just lead to delusional expectations?

Ghosting, the Bane of Connection

Picture this: you match with someone and everything seems to be going great— you have a lot in common, conversation is flowing seamlessly, and you feel good about where this could be headed.

Then, poof.

All of a sudden, they stop responding. No reason, no explanation.

After starting to get emotionally invested, you’re left with the rug swept out from underneath you. All the energy and effort you put in, all the answers you gave, all the soul you poured out— all for nothing. I don’t want to sound dramatic, but there is undoubtedly a level of vulnerability that comes with dating, and even if you keep your cards held close to you, it still exhausting to have to introduce yourself and go through the whole schtick.

It’s no wonder why people’s self-esteem takes such a hit after experiences like these. You’re left wondering if you did or said something wrong, and if were being too “yourself” too soon. We’re Pavlov’d into suppressing parts of our personality so that wee don’t scare anyone away.

I’ll say this with my entire chest: ghosting is extremely cowardly. It costs nothing to say “I’m not really feeling this connection. I wish you all the best for your future!” Again, the human component of decency dies because of the lack of face-to-face interaction. Since everyone can hide behind a screen, it becomes all too easy to lose consideration for the person on the other side.

I wonder: do people ghost because they don’t want to outwardly risk being “the bad guy”? Or because we’ve degraded basic communication to the point of nonexistence?

Of course, you don’t owe anybody company, but I don’t think it’s controversial to say that we should be more upfront with our true intentions.

The Reduction of Quality

I read an interesting point the other day about another reason for why the dating scene is so awful nowadays:

“Part of what makes dating so bad is the accumulative effect of so many people who do want healthy relationships opting out of the process.

As decent people make themselves scarce, it allows the poison in the dating pool to concentrate, forcing more people out, and on it goes.”

And it makes total sense. This is not to say that everyone on dating apps or just looking to date in general is a bad apple, but it’s true that it is just so exhausting. Many people (myself included) have just opted to just resign ourselves from it and focus on ourselves.

Is it a bit escapist? It’s hard to say. But it beats the alternative of the superficiality, validiation-seeking, toxicity of online dating. I’ve tried the apps and I know that they’re just not for me. My personality craves meeting people in person, falling into the spontaneity of being in the right place at the right time as the right person, embracing the fear and nerves that comes with putting myself out there, and taking on the rejection. Life isn’t supposed to be comfortable all the time. Give me the lessons that make me stronger and more resilient to adversity. Let me earn the thrill of successfully getting her number all on my own and not with the barrier of an algorithm. I seek the clarity to know when something is and is not meant for me.

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To conclude this essay, I’d like to share a little anecdote. As you many have heard, there was a massive blackout across Portugal, Spain, and parts of Southern France a couple of weeks ago. The power grid went out for over half a day, leaving tens of millions without electricity. So what did people do?

They went outside. They painted. They read in the park. They danced with strangers. They played cards. They talked for hours. Children chased each other.

For a brief period, technology didn't dictate our lives.

As inconvenient as it was on the infrastructure of the peninsula, I believe it also provided something extremely valuable: a return to our humanity, albeit even temporarily. A reminder of the beauty of the simplicity that merely existing can have.

What if we could access that precious state more often, and on purpose?

With love,

Alan

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