To Be Lost

Reflections of a 20-something year old

Yesterday was my brother’s wedding day.

It should have been a day marked by joy and celebration, and it was, but this morning, a peculiar sense of melancholy set in. My brother was talking about his and his wife’s honeymoon which they leave for tomorrow, and then the realizations came crashing down.

“Oh shit, this is really it. Theirs lives are changed, and mine along with it.”

For context, I’ve grown to be close with my brother and his wife ever since they started dating six years ago. In fact, she was the closest friend I’ve ever had. We’ve since drifted somewhat apart due to personal differences, but I still see her very regularly and I will always have love for her for who she was to me in those early years.

Seeing them get wed really solidified that they’ve carved their own life path together, they are officially each other’s number one priority, and probably on the path to starting a family in the next few years.

I’ve typically always been one to accept change— I mean, it’s the natural order (or lack thereof) of life. Of course I know that nothing stays the same and resistance only perpetuates mental suffering. But I guess when it hits on a visceral, personal level, I feel it a lot more (duh).

I am witnessing so many people around me build their lives and have “clear” answers for what’s next for them, and this births an uncomfortable contrast with my own place in life.

What’s next for me?

Am I making the right choices?

To what extent should I let the world shape me, and when should I concede?

I know that I’m not making any groundbreaking revelations here; shit happens, sometimes it’s whatever, other times it’s harder to simply brush off. I’m just another twenty-something who’s experiencing the typical sensations, angst, and crises of young adulthood.

But that doesn’t make these feelings any less intense.

You know that feeling we would experience as kids when we would spend all afternoon playing with our friends without a care in the world, pretty much every day? And the disappointment that followed when the sun set and everyone had to go home? How we begged and wished that we could be with our friends and play forever? Well, that’s what life is starting to feeling like, but turned up to a billion. I went outside one day and my friends weren’t there anymore.

There is no longer a linear “next step”— unlike school where I had people telling me what to do, when I had to do it, and what the timeline of events looked like, I am now faced with crafting my own destiny.

The loss of youth and innocence is becoming very apparent, and I’ve never felt more lost.

Jean-Paul Sartre wrote, “Man is condemned to be free.” What is our greatest gift is also the thing that induces the most anxiety. When we can do anything, what do we do? How do we know we’re making the right decision?

I don’t like to fail, and I especially cannot stand feelings of regret. Because of this, I have always tried to approach important decisions with logic to calculate what is the “right choice”. In other words, I treated life like a math problem whose solution I could arrive at with careful reasoning and analysis. That’s crazy, right?

But I saw that life isn’t a neat little formulaic expression that can be solved, and my emotions always end up winning. I can go through all the facts, I can explore every reason why I should or shouldn’t do something, but if it feels right, I will do it, no matter how much logic tells me otherwise. I can’t help it, I’m INFP to the core.

I’m going to be spending the summer alone in Spain, and I leave in a few weeks. This will be the first time ever doing something like this, and the nerves are starting to set in. I’m extremely excited, don’t get me wrong, but I know it won’t be all sunshine and rainbows either. I know there will be lonely nights. I know there will be times where I ask myself, “What the fuck am I doing?” There will probably even be times where I’ll want nothing more than to come back to my house and returning to a life that I’m familiar with.

But I refuse to live life in a bubble of comfort. I’ll never get anywhere if I don’t challenge myself and explore life without introducing novelty. I choose to do things precisely because they scare the shit out of me. How will I ever come to know myself if I never put myself in situations that can teach me something new?

I can claim all day that I go with the flow, that I reject the establishment, that I’m a free spirit who’s perfectly independent wherever I go, and that I don’t need a physical home to tie me down. But is that true? Or just an ideal that I convince myself that I am? The answer can only be found, I think, by actually doing these things and finding out firsthand.

If I fall, let the one who I will become catch me.

***

Uncertainty is frightening, and like storm clouds, it can block any semblance of optimism. But here’s the thing: what if you just let it?

This thought came from an essay I read while drafting this one, and it couldn’t have arrived at a more opportune time.

I don’t know how my trip will go.

I don’t know what exactly I’ll do when I graduate.

I don’t know if my timeline of desired events will go to plan.

But. What if. I just. Let things. Happen?

A soft surrender— flexible enough to be swayed in whatever direction the wind blows me, but still standing strong enough to say, “I will make my mark while I am here.”

Like all storm clouds, uncertainty too shall pass, and it eventually makes room for clarity.

I leave you with this thought from @sistercody that massively helped me feel more at ease:

If you feel like you are losing your mind right now, do not panic. Take a deep breath. Losing your mind feels terrifying at first because you are losing/letting go of ideas and concepts that you've held your whole life. It feels like you are losing EVERYTHING, like you are dying yourself. Take a deep breath. This is all a part of the journey. You are right where you are supposed to be.

Awakenings of the soul don't always look pretty. It was quite the opposite for me. I fought everything. I felt like I was going crazy, dying, suffocating, screaming on the inside, and I was so uncomfortable in my own being.

I was realizing how infinite the soul was, but the ideas in my head all held limitations. That's why I think it felt like I was going so crazy. I was feeling the infinite nature of my own being/awareness but I was still stuck in limitations and ideas once held. It all just hit me like a brick at once. It was too much for my mind to comprehend, and it made my mind crash. Blew it up to smithereens, but that was the start of my spiritual journey. Realizing I truly wasn't my mind. So take a deep breath. You are okay.

With love,

Alan

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