What Do Your Values Cost?
A deeper look at societal norms.
Yesterday, I was walking from the park back to my apartment. It’s a short walk, only about 12 minutes. I had my earbuds in, jamming along to Audubon by $uicideboy$ (which has quickly turned into one of my go-to hype songs). As I was strolling along and minding my business, a man caught my attention by kind of stepping in front of me, but not in a threatening way. Before I could really process what he was doing, he started saying that he was an immigrant who had recent surgery (to which he lifted up his shirt to reveal a decent-sized scar above his bellybutton. In hindsight, it didn’t appear fresh, which may been a giveaway) and needed seven euros for medicine at a pharmacy. He showed me some kind of form that looked like it came from a Catalan organization, but I didn’t really bother to read it— it was all happening really quickly.
Like one would normally do when panhandlers ask for money, I told him I didn’t have that on me (which wasn’t technically a lie— I didn’t have that precise amount). He repeatedly insisted that he only needed seven euros, no more than that. He said that we could go to a pharmacy to get change, but obviously I wasn’t going to follow him anywhere; it could’ve been a scam, despite how non-threatening he was (especially because of that, actually.)
I was about to apologize and walk away, but he said something that hit me deep: “Te estoy pidiendo como humano.”
“I’m asking you as a human”.
He said it in such a way that genuinely seemed raw and authentic, like I was his only beacon for hope, and probably the only person who actually really paid attention to him in a long time (more on this later). It’s easy to think that looking back, maybe he was really good at feigning mercy, but it legitimately felt like a genuine plea for help.
I immediately thought of this newsletter.
The word “human” holds much significance for me. To me, it means who we are when we strip away labels, identities, affiliations, language, and other categories that differentiate us. It is something that we all share, something that we all are. Human+ signifies that tabula rasa of sorts, but with the good qualities added. It means being compassionate, empathetic, curious, vulnerable, and connected. As the name suggests, the “plus” version of our baseline.
I view people as an onion of sorts— complex and with multiple layers, even transcending humanity itself. The first layer is everything is I mentioned above: all the labels and identities we adopt, along with all the “I am” statements. The ego, if you will. Beneath that is our actual shared humanity, the essence that makes us feel empathy and compassion for other people because we realize that we are them, and they are us. This is where empathy for the struggling child is born, as well as the joy that we feel when we see others reunite with loved ones. The last layer is a spiritual essence; even if you don’t believe in this, I ask that you hear me out. This is the part of us that loves deeply and selflessly; the part of us that looks up at the stars in wonder and awe, perhaps with a feeling of nostalgia and homesickness; the part of us that experiences that pang of gratitude when something good happens to us; the part of us that craves the consumption and creation of art— inspiring paintings, musical scores, and towering architecture.
If I had neglected this person seemingly in need, what kind of person would that make me? What would be the subconscious messaging that forms in my brain? How can I live spreading a message about our common humanity while looking the other way when it’s presented in front of me?
Obviously I know that I can’t be a superhero to every single person that approaches me on the street, but when it’s once in a while cases like this one and I actually do have the means to help them, why wouldn’t I?
I ended up giving him the ten euro bill I had and told him he could keep the change.
For the rest of my walk home (and for a couple hours after arriving), I thought about the whole interaction. It was only about a minute or so, but gave me plenty to think about. Should I have given him the money? Despite acting from my values and all the reasoning that I’ve given thus far, was I still acting out of extreme naïveté? Was I enabling him to potentially scam others, or use that money for “destructive” purposes? Was I neglecting myself since I was about to use that money for groceries?
All this led me to ponder societal norms versus our own behavior. If something is taboo in society and someone goes against this by acting in a way that is incongruent with what is socially acceptable, yet it is in alignment with their own personal values, does that make them naïve? If I don’t give a couple of spare coins to someone in need, is it because I’m following what’s normalized in society (paying no mind to homeless people) or because I simply don’t want to? In other words, how much of my behavior comes from my own free will, and how much comes from social conditioning?
Ultimately, €10 was hardly going to impact me. For that man, though, it could meant so much more than what it did to me. So maybe the transaction here wasn’t primarily monetary, but values-based. €10 essentially bought me the assurance that no matter what the man did with the money or regardless of his real intentions, I did the right thing, insomuch as what it means for me. On his end, maybe the interaction was just as valuable as the money.
There’s a chance that he could’ve been a scammer, for sure, but what if he wasn’t? What if he genuinely was down on his luck and I was the only person that paid attention to him that day and gave him the means to get the medicine that he needed? And I’m not even saying this to paint myself as a kind of hero or savior, but given the “I mind my business, you mind yours” attitude that society carries, I still think it’s a very, very real possibility.
All too often, we can forget that we live in an interconnected world. Our primary concern is ourselves, or those within our immediate circle. Beyond this nucleus, “everyone else is irrelevant”, we say to ourselves, even if we do so in a roundabout way. The truth is, we don’t live in an isolationist society, no matter how much we try to convince ourselves of that. Other people exist, they interact with us, and they affect us to some extent.
People like the man that stopped me on the street often get the brunt of the marginalization, but is that really fair? Do they deserve to be looked down upon just because they don’t have a roof over their heads, they are unable to bathe, and only have one outfit to wear?
All of this brought me to thinking about the hierarchy of needs. The more I pondered it, I realized that it is essentially a caste system when it’s superimposed on society. The higher you are on it, the more “value” and “consideration” you have, and the opposite goes the lower you are.
When looked at from a sociological lens, the pyramid imposes an implicit value system on populations; your “worth” as a human being is determined by how far you’ve ascended, but this is an extremely faulty criterion. As you might know, systemic injustices exist that prevent certain races, gender identities, and socioeconomic backgrounds from getting ahead, no matter how hard they may try. Upward mobility isn’t totally impossible of course, but there is absolutely no denying that some groups have privilege or simply just a headstart.
Given that this is the case, again I have to ask: are these less fortunate individuals deserving of social exile when it’s extremely possible that there was so much out of their control? Of course, we can never know the circumstances that led them to where they find themselves, but why not choose the path of compassion and give them the benefit of the doubt?
I remember reading years ago what I believe was a Reddit thread asking people who were previously homeless how people who have more means than them can be of greatest support. Was it by buying them food? By giving them old clothes and blankets that they no longer needed? Or was hard cash really the most useful item? Interestingly, one of the most upvoted comments was none of these things; it was immaterial, actually.
The most valuable thing you can give to a homeless person? Attention.
Obviously food and shelter and clothing and money are all crucial (refer back to the pyramid— the lower needs must be met before the higher ones can), but these are only half the equation because they only satisfy the body. The deeper human essence (the second layer that I discussed earlier), which is just as significant, is left totally neglected. The person exists, but they are not seen. Imagine what it’s like to be a person with thoughts, emotions, and desires but treated like you’re not even there— effectively invisible. Humans are naturally social creatures, so when you remove that crucial aspect, all that’s left is nothing more than an organism struggling to survive. How depressing is that?
Again, I’m not suggesting that you go out of your way to feel responsible for every single homeless person you come across— they’re not all safe or trustworthy (as with any person). But if you find yourself in a position to help them out, buy them supplies, or just be an ear to them, then I say go for it. For you it might only be a few dollars or a few minutes, but for them it’s worth more than that. I promise you.
With love,
Alan
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Wonderful read. Definitely got my wheels turning. Thanks friend
This had me think a bit!! Yass, to be seen is to be a human. To be empathetic! You, soo kind, and who knows, maybe that stranger will always remember you for the kindness you’ve shown him during a vulnerability, Alan! <3