What If You Chose a Different Path?

Everything always works out for the best.

A few weeks ago, I was walking through the streets of Barcelona, headed nowhere in particular. One of my favorite things to do when I visit any city in Europe is to walk in the narrow alleys between buildings, away from the main streets. I’ve found that the best surprises lie here, almost like they gently whisper to you saying, “Come and see what I have to show you.” These veins are a gentle reprieve from the endless rows of souvenir sellers, overpriced restaurants, and fast fashion chains found on the main arteries of the city.

When there are so many options to choose from, it can be hard to make a decision. Opportunity costs, so to speak. This is precisely the situation I found myself in. I wasn't exactly consciously thinking where I should go to next, but there was a kind of “yes or no” criterion fueled by intuition that was going on in my head, one that was beyond any semblance of logic and reason and driven purely by instinct.

I continued walking and passed another ordinary alley. A few meters up the road, however, this same intuition gently nudged me and whispered, “Turn around and go down that alley you just passed.” I had a feeling that if I continued walking, this soft nudge would gradually turn into a louder, more incessant nagging, something that would be impossible to ignore. “Okay, what the hell”, I thought.

And it turned out to be an excellent decision. A little ways into the alley, there was a shop selling incense, tapestries, jewelry, and other miscellaneous little trinkets from the East. I absolutely love these kinds of stores. What was particularly captivating was a life-sized statue of the Buddha sitting cross-legged and performing a mudra, as if blessing all those who walked by. If I hadn't listened to that little voice in my head, I would’ve missed out on this pleasant little find.

(apologies for the intense glare)

But the best part was stumbling across a street performance. At the end of the alley where the path split in three was a young man, probably between the ages of 18-24, singing opera. This was a display that one would have certainly paid money to see, and yet here this man was, giving out a free performance on the street for nothing other than a love of opera (and for the generosity of passersby, of course). I spent a good 15 minutes just sitting there and admiring the sound of the pleasant music, feeling the gentle Mediterranean breeze on my skin, basking in the respite of the shade, observing everyone walking past, and overall taking in my final evening in the city as presently as possible.

All of this to say that I could have completely missed out on this unique experience if I was closed off to the spontaneity of the moment and ignored my intuition. I sincerely believe that life has something to teach us at every moment, if only we would intentionally be receptive to learning. Instead of thinking of life as this big, grand, singular entity that typically spans decades, what if you thought about it as a phenomenon that occurs every day, every minute, every instant? Let go of rigid thinking, the “there’ll be another time to do this” mindset. Listen to yourself (your true self), do what you want, and live life as fully as you can every day.

The Path of Relationships

So that whole anecdote was a literal interpretation of choosing a different path, but of course there are countless paths that we either elect or forgo all the time. Here’s another story:

Around the same time during my stay in Barcelona, I reached out to someone from my past. Why, I am not entirely sure; some combination of loneliness, curiosity, hope, and of course that intuition void of reason that I mentioned earlier. I was hesitant about reaching out considering all the time that had elapsed, but to my pleasant surprise, she was initially responsive. She quelled my nerves by suggesting that we should meet up when I returned back to the States. Prospects were looking positive about reigniting whatever we had that had fizzled years earlier.

However, her old habits gradually started to creep in— she texted back only a couple of times a week, she gave generic responses, her attention was hot and cold. This is actually a tactic known as “bread crumbing” where the other person gives you the absolute bare minimum to string you along when there is actually no real investment on their part. It reached a peak when I did finally arrive back in the United States and tried to set up a time and place for us to actually meet up. My messages were met with a week of silence. Responses turned into simply just reacting with a “❤️” on my text.

All of this made me realize that she did not change at all in the past two years. The way she was communicating, the struggle it was to obtain basic attention, and the way her actions were making me feel. Not only was she the same person, but I started to shrink myself down and behave in a way that I thought I had outgrown, essentially sacrificing my self-respect in hopes that she would reciprocate the interest I was displaying.

I was self-aware enough to realize what I was doing, but too afraid to let go. “If I just try harder,” I thought, “maybe things will click for her and everything that I am hoping for will come true.” It wasn’t until I was putting in all the effort to communicate and she was responding with the bare minimum that I snapped out of my delusion at last. Why was I crossing oceans for someone who wouldn’t step over a puddle for me? Why was I fighting so hard for their validation when I knew that she could drop me in a heartbeat and never even give me a second thought? Why was I forcing connection? If it has to be forced, then it is obviously not real. The path that I was walking was one of regression, not progress.

So that was the path I took— the path of cessation. I stopped trying to arrange a meeting. I stopped trying elicit a response. I stopped trying to mold a version of myself that was incompatible with my true values in an attempt to fit theirs. It was just as I predicted— they could not have cared less and of course did not contact me, and they have not since then.

I do not wish to claim that this person necessarily owed me anything; ultimately, I think, no one owes us anything, no matter what your relationship to them is. Despite this, I cannot help but feel like this hyper self-preservation is the cause for much of society’s collective isolationist worldview, and that is a frightening prospect. What does it eventually lead to when we purposefully neglect the other person’s feelings? When we forget how to care?

I wrote about this in another essay in the context of dating, but I’ll say it again: the sense of decency it felt like we once had is perishing because people have lost all regard for the other. They say that consideration is the highest form of love… so what does it say about about our world when the highest form of love is dying?

To some, my lamenting over this may sound blown way out of proportion, while others may relate to this all too well. Again, I am not suggesting that we should expect our needs and desires to supersede the other’s own agenda, but I also do not think that I am being unreasonable at all when I opine that basic communication should be a given.

I won’t pretend that it was necessarily easy to block this person, or that I didn’t experience pangs of self-doubt, or that moving on from this connection didn’t/does not hurt, but I know one thing for absolutely certain: it was worth it.

Beneath the all the questioning, naïveté, and wishing for things to be different than how they were was a latent clarity, a clarity that I knew was telling me to drop this person and situation and just move on. Their attitude provided all the answers that I needed when they failed to communicate with words. I think this goes for all things in life; there are people, situations, and jobs that either make us feel safe or make us feel uneasy. We know when something is good for us because it’s (reasonably) challenging, secure, or plentiful. We know we are getting something out of it and becoming a better person as a result— leveling up, if you will.

Conversely, we also possess that inner intuition that tells us when something is unsafe, unhealthy, and draining. We can try to repress it, to justify it, to drown it, and we might even succeed for a time— but it will always linger, waiting for you to heed its warning. When we finally confront this messenger, we’ll find that it was never the enemy; it was trying to keep us safe from the actual threats all along.

An Infinitude of Ways of Doing, Ways of Being

The two instances of which I wrote about were but an infinitesimal set of circumstances that are present in day-to-day life. With all of this in mind, I encourage you to think about how the concept of paths applies in your own life— maybe you are wrestling with the idea of going back to school, changing jobs or even careers, leaving a relationship, moving to a new city or country— the possibilities are literally endless.

The single biggest question that I have found that works best in guiding me with choices that feel are significant for me is: “What values do I wish to lead with?”

All actions always lead back to values. Are you acting from a place of self-preservation or a place of open-mindedness? Do you desire to expand your skills, abilities, and knowledge or does security have to take priority right now? Is fear getting in the way of progress?

Another way of viewing this is which non-negotiables guide your behavior.

If even your starting point looks hazy and you don't know where to begin, then start with simply identifying your current feelings. When faced with a multiple pathways to choose from, note everything you are presently feeling, both the pleasant and the unpleasant. Then do the same thing but for the possible paths you could go down. You can even draw this out on a physical piece of paper in order to visualize it more clearly (taking ideas and concepts and putting them on something in front of you helps both clear your mental load and strips the decision-making process of a lot of fear).

Here’s something to consider: what if you approached everything you were avoiding with the utmost curiosity? What if you dug through all the excuses and justifications that you tell yourself and got to the root cause of your behavior? What if you could glean clarity regarding the path you are supposed to take instead of living superficially and hoping for the best?

What if I told you that you can?

With love,

Alan

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